As a possessor of curls since ‘93, luscious and glorious than many, let me just say: this is all from experience.
Every. Single. Thing.
So without further ado, let me give you a rundown on “Things curly-heads are tired of hearing!”, just to keep you on your toes when dealing with said curly-haired people. They can get pretty nasty, so it’s best you’re well aware of what NOT to say when confronted by my lovely, albeit scary, lot.
“Why don’t you straighten it?”
If I had a rupee for every single time a person has asked me this very question, I’d have enough to fly and meet the Prime Minister and ask him to add this to the list of offensive stuff people say that can get them locked away for good. There’s a reason why some us don’t straighten our curls- I’ve straightened it thrice temporarily and the heat almost burned my scalp off. I have nothing against those who do get it straightened as a permanent solution, but once the roots start growing, your head looks like the resting place of a dead possum. Now THAT hairdo, I’m against. But most importantly, most of us have finally fallen in love with our curls and realised its great potential to even consider flattening it out. Here’s an alternative: ask non curly-haired people this- “why don’t you curl it?”
“Why do you even cut it, it’s going to end up looking the same anyways”
Don’t let my everyday top-knot fool you into thinking that I don’t need a haircut, because the moment I let my hair loose, you’ll see why. The very essence of different haircuts is clearly emphasized when we let our hair down. You see, the height difference between strand 1 and strand 2 should be carefully adjusted in such a way that, when let loose it should look like this:
And not, God forbid, like this:
Now you know why us curlies always ask “Do you have someone who can cut/style curly hair?” every time we call to fix a salon appointment. We don’t need antennae sticking outta our heads!
“Do you ever brush your hair?”
Have you seen a bird’s nest? With the twigs, brambles and all that? That’s EXACTLY how our hair looks if we ever, and I mean never actually, brush it. BUT, when you’re Indian and you’re curly-haired, then you get to have nest-head for the first, at least, thirteen years of your life because our brown mums knew nothing except to brush it! I don’t necessarily blame them because nobody knew how to handle Indian curly-hair. But now thanks to the internet, there is a multitude of curly-haired gurus who help brush away our problems.
“Oooohhh what have you got hidden in there, let me look!”
My will to get through jokes like these that aren’t even funny. If I had the ability to actually store stuff in my hair, you think I’d be broke right now? I’d be running one hell of a lucrative business in my city with my safe-lock hair. I could hide anything! I’d part my hair into sections, and I’d rent it out as storage space. And what’s more, trying to detangle all the knots is tougher than any security system in the world.
“Did you just buy THREE conditioner bottles for your one shampoo?!”
It’s basic math: our shampoo-conditioner ratio isn’t the same as non-curlies’. For every dollop of shampoo, I use around 3-4 dollops of conditioner, because if I don’t condition each of my curl equally, then they get super petty and start acting weird. Imagine the situation where you have 5 kids, and you give them food, but you give an extra piece to one of them and then the remaining four calls forth chaos. My curls get jealous and they either ruin my hairdo or they simply won’t behave.
“Why don’t you just buy all those curly-hair products?”
We can’t “JUST BUY” our products, no way! It takes months of research and planning, and not to forget, a million trial and error experiments and YouTube reviews to finalize the products that we’ve got to buy, and that’s just for one month. It’s a learning process. Also, majority of the products are expensive. So imagine trying to understand and learn about your hair, but within a budget. The stress of that is what makes us angry when asked such a question.
“Haha *generic names like noodle-head/medusa/etc*”
We don’t get offended at all…….at least I don’t. Do you know why? Because when compared to the compliments that I receive, the jokes and all the teasing are passable. But there’s a fine line between jokes and insulting my hair. Never insult a curly’s hair, it’ll be the last thing you ever do.
“Can I touch it?”
We may say “yes”, but note that it’s with trepidation. We didn’t style it perfectly to have it fluffed and messed up by you. Have some decency and be gentle.
But never, NEVER, touch our hair without asking us first.
“Hey I’m coming over right now, let’s go out”
UHHHHHH I don’t think so. Nuh-uh. First of all, sweetie, you need to make an appointment 3 days prior to the said-event. In fact, just to be clear, give me a heads-up at least a week before. If you didn’t know, our whole week is planned around our hair schedule. Even in the middle of a zombie apocalypse, you’ll see us curly-heads going “Nah, it’s wash-day, I’m not going out” or “I need to air-dry this leave-in so let’s head out” In fact, most of the scavenging in that dystopic world will be based on my hair’s behaviour, so you see why we get a constipated expression on our face when you say “let’s head out now”? I don’t see it as a disadvantage, because our hair is worth the wait. Here’s an alternative: ask us “how’s your hair today?” and depending on the answer, make the plan.
With that being said, these are some of the biggest no-nos when it comes to dealing with curly-heads. I’ve given an extensive explanation on why these are classified under big no-nos. Keeping these in mind will do you good in the near future. Fair warning, comrade.
From your friendly neighbourhood curly-head,